Batting for the other team...

And here begins the story of my second longest relationship, and it was with a girl.

I had a friend called Liam who was kinda gothy and alternative and hung around with like-minded individuals, in the entrance to a church opposite college in fact. They smoked weed and the like, in fact Jared was part of this group too but he didn't smoke weed when I was with him anyway. So I'd seen Lucy around, never hung out but knew of each other I think. I'd never looked at a girl that way before, and a lesbian relationship was never a thought that crossed my mind. But we met on a night out in Zero; I had flung my shoes off and launched into the nearest sofa because I'd been dancing so much. She said 'Are you alright there?' so I looked up and smiled and said yes thanks! Then Rage Against the Machine's Killing In The Name Of started playing and she asked me if I wanted to dance, which I did! Then next thing I know I have her pushed up against a speaker with my tongue down her throat! And we swapped numbers before she had to go, started texting each other and met up each night out we had. Then I started staying over at hers one night a week, and she stayed at mine after nights out because I lived closer to home. After the last few months of college, she decided to work and save up for Uni, whereas I did a diploma course in art for a year because my college grades were terrible. I got accepted into Cleveland College of Art, Lucy got accepted at Kingston University near London where she wanted to study music. We knew we didn't have much time left together, and I don't think either of us expected things to last with the distance between us. She made it up to Hartlepool once and I think I went down to London once.

It was a flawed relationship. We didn't really have the sexual side of things, I wasn't used to it and was embarrassed but the first year we were together was good. Apart from her smoking weed habit. It used to really but me because she would borrow money from her mother, and would spend upwards of £80 a week on the stuff. For one of my birthdays she gave me a stupid torch thing that she'd had forever, and a broken elephant candle. I said I'm not a materialistic person but you've chosen to spend the money on weed rather than anything special for me. And I think it started hitting home then that things had changed between us.

Though another major spanner in the works was I had met someone from a dating website, just before I met Lucy, and talked to him a lot. We were very close, so much so he came up from Croydon to Hartlepool and I travelled down there on multiple occasions. He always said that it was just a sexual relationship between us, but I still fell in love with him. I wish I could say that I chose between them, or told Lucy it was over long before she got hurt the way she did. Or that I had told M that I loved him and wanted to be with him. But I didn't do either of those things. 

I went to a wrap-party in Sunderland hosted by my friend Becca; she had to make a documentary for a university project, and was working with a team of people including Vicky, who just so happened to have a boyfriend who was rather interesting. So they had made a documentary about Jay, and they were all at this party in Sunderland. Which I went to, and which changed my life.

College Courting

Around the time I realised that Jared was a serial monogomist, I joined a dating website. I was only 17 but they had only really just started getting popular and I was curious, so I joined one called FreeDating. I met a couple of people off it actually.

1. A guy named Johnathan who was studying law or something, lived in Driffield and drove a Citroen C2. Had a fumble in his car, then a week or two later he said he'd got a job offer for a firm down south. Never heard from him again.

2. A chap from Nottingham called Gareth; we deiced to meet in Leeds as it was in the middle for both of us to get to. I had eaten some dodgy sausages the night before and felt dreadful. Then the day got 10x worse when I finally met him because I found out he was blind in one eye (and it kept pointing a different way) and had really really long thumbs. We held hands, no kissing, then I passed out on the train home. First time in a Primark. Never spoke to him again.

My time not spent on the computer was chasing Nick around the drama department of college. A friend from Primary school, we always had seemed to have a thing for each other. He would grab my arse when we hugged anyway so that means something. He did lighting and sound for stage productions and was always with a guy called Carl. Anyhoo, me and my friend Becca would go on walks during Photography class on the excuse we were 'shooting'. Actually we played hide and seek with Carl and Nick in the dark...which usually meant me and Nick would go somewhere together a suck face...and other things...until one of them caught us. He brought me back a pink flower necklace from his holiday in Spain with my name on, and I still have it.

But at the same time I was fooling around with Nick, I was also fooling around with Johnny, a friend of a friend. Really nice guy, made me laugh and he was fun to be around. I fooled around with both of them for about a month, then texted Nick and said I was wanting to see where things went with Johnny. I thought at the time that because Nick came from money, I wouldn't be good enough for him. Or maybe Johnny was someone different, and I didnt know him that well. But I realise now that I made a mistake, because Nick was lovely. I've seen on Facebook that he went to Edinburgh uni, met Laura and hes been married about 2 months now. Me and Johnny broke up about a month after we got together; he was ignoring me around other people like he didnt want to be seen with me. Never spoke to him again, and dont know what he's doing either. 

I think I will always wonder 'what if' when I think of Nick. At the time I wrote him off, for one reason or another. Now I'd give my right arm to have him look at me the way he looks at his wife in his profile picture; like shes the most amazing thing he's ever seen, and he'd never get bored of looking at her. Well, I'm not necessarily jealous of her, more of what they have together. A partnership, a home, a marriage. 

But the reasons for my longing now will become clear soon enough.

The First...

So I start my proper love life at 14. I had had a bit of a false start with Jack. Nothing happened apart from hand holding, well nothing could really at 13, and in school as well! My friend Steph had been going with Tom and were inseperable, Jack was his friend and it just kind of happened. The hand holding I mean. I guess love is contagious. After about a month I realised he actually fancied someone else and was making his way through the playground with a throng of people to watch him dump me. But as I was forewarned I matched up to him and dumped HIM before he had even got the chance to see me standing in front of him. Heidi 1 - Boyfriend 0!

Somehow, Steph and Maija and myself had made our way one afternoon after school to Natalie's house. One of those friends who you know and like, but wouldn't invite to your bithday party, and didn't get an invite to hers either. She was on MSN (which has gone now, and makes me feel so OLD!!) and was chatting to some people she knew from primary school I assume; they weren't people I knew and certainly didn't go to our school. I think Steph had broken up from Tom at this point and was obviously heartbroken. So Steph got the email addresses of these mystery boys with a view to woo them into another sweep-me-off-my-feet romances seeing as hers had abruptly ended. I also wrote down 2 addresses. Not quite sure why, it had been wuite a while since Jack but as I said, love can be contagious.

I added them both to my MSN. One named Ryan and the other George. Both went to a different school, and the only thing so far we had in common was Natalie. Nevertheless, I messaged and they messaged back with gusto and somehow, I cant remember, I ended up getting with George. (My Ryan story will emerge soon)

Is it bad I can't even remember the first time we met? Or what we said to each other online? He met my parents, I met his. We got summer jobs round the corner from each other and met up after work. He was sweet, ginger, nice hands, played rugby, good kisser from what I can remember. We didn't have sex until I was 16, he was a few months older than me. We lost our virginity together and we were happy I suppose. 

We left school and started college the second year we were together, which is where things went sort of tits up. I had met Ryan once, we got on but mainly kept to talking online; I think George held a grudge against Ryan because we were rather close, as friends I suppose. But I took Sociology at college and didn't know anyone...except Ryan. So I sat next to him and it was even nicer getting to talk to him in person. There was also a bit of a rocker called Jared in Sociology. He was different to George, confident and cocky, he smoked, had long black hair...and I rather fancied him. Somehow I got Jared's number and we started texting, sometimes rather rauncy things. And one day, the bitch I am, decided I was going to take up his invite and go to his house. I told George it was for studying, but he knew what was going on really. He got upset and asked me not to go, literally held onto my hand until I shook it out of his grasp. 

I walked to Jared's house full of butterflies and nervous at this sexy goth god wanting me, and what he would think when he saw me naked. I am a curvy girl and not confident so this was a major thing. But he opened the door when I got there and kissed me so hard I almost fell to the floor and I realised I had done the right thing. George and I had made different friends at college and taken different subjects so we didn't really see each other, and I always suspected he had a thing for a girl called Poppy so I felt this was okay. Me and Jared had sex. Quite dirty sex for me at the time actually. But that was it. I left, and really didn't hear from him again. A friend had warned me after that he was a bit of a womaniser out for a quick shag, but I still thought that we would be a couple after. So I felt rather guilty I had thrown in George for a quick lay. Soon after, George looked at my phone without me knowing and found everything out, although he had already guessed at most of it anyway. I'm sure I apologised and said he had done nothing to deserve it, which he hadn't. Anyway, he haas been married now for a couple of years and has a baby due in the next few months too. So he's doing a lot better than I am.

Around the time George and I finished, my Dad left. Him and my mother weren't getting on, and hadn't been for years really so he should've left a lot sooner. But however big of a prick he was, it still hurt me that he didn't try and stay in touch. Thats a little excuse for my crazy way in college. But I'll get to that bit.

The Ryan part of the story is that he lived quite close to college, and because we shared some free periods I used to go round to his house and watch wrestling. At this time, I thought me and Ryan would make the perfect couple. We could tell each other anything, watch Will and Grace on repeat, and I rather fancied him. We went to London together, saw comedy shows. Then he came out of the closet and now he is my most bestest and treasured friend. He will appear in my posts rather often because he is usually the person I turn to most.

And here starts my little spiral of crazy dating in college!!

The Ex Boyfriend Journal

The Ex Boyfriend Journal is soley to let out the thoughts in my head regarding my past, present and future relationships. I could use pen and paper, or just chat to someone, but these are feelings I have been harbouring for a while and I feel an online platform is the best way to get events in order. I only have to press delete, or skip back to where I want to add something. Not fanny around drawing arrows or following asterixes to another sheet of paper. 

I have had quite the love life and I am still not even 25. It covers older men, long term partners, a girl, hot fumbles in the drama department at college and a rush out for the morning after pill. I shall write these choice selections in full when I get to them. The blog will start with my earliest relationship and gradually update to present day as I keep posting. 

This blog is to help me get out all the things I have not had the courage to say aloud, things I may not want to admit, and thoughts that just amble around not knowing who to convey themselves to. This is my story, told by me. I am not sure yet how I myself will be portrayed. Names might be changed, but this story is a true one, or as true as I can write it anyway.

I do not really expect anyone else to get anything out of reading this blog, but if you do and feel the need to comment, please feel free.